Ever since I was in middle school, I yearned to write a novel. I was inspired after watching the movie Willow, and I wanted to create something as exciting and inspiring myself. I’ll just say that the novel I started that night was never finished and will never see the light of day, but it was great practice on how not to write a book.
I didn’t write much in high school, rejecting anything to do with writing because it wasn’t what my friends did. I had a wonderful group of friends then, the best I’d argue, but creating worlds through the written word was just not something we did, so my desire fell by the wayside.
Once I reached college, I re-discovered my desire to write. In 2007, I began writing a story from a dream I’d had about two sisters running in a field with their dog. Through the years since, with periods of writing and not writing, this story developed very differently from what I first imagined–I even took out the dog–but my manuscript has finally become something I feel (somewhat) confident to submit to publishing companies in hopes of it becoming a real, tangible book. This is the stage I’ve been waiting for almost my entire life. A completely written manuscript ready to submit! Now all I have to do is write the query letter and start some sweet submitting. The letter is way shorter than writing a novel, so it’s certainly the easy part…
I discovered as I sat to write the query letter that this step is absolutely the most terrifying. Crippling, even. Before I could put words on the page, my heart about doubled in pace, and I couldn’t get it to slow down until several hours after I’d begun. I didn’t even get more than a few words written before I had to run off to plans I had that evening, but the sheer terror sent buckets of cortisol pumping through my body so fast that it wouldn’t leave me for hours. All of this after typing just those few words. And I had so much more to go.
I questioned myself, about why I was so scared to take this step I’d been dreaming about. Isn’t this what I’ve wanted? Of course, it is. I still want it, despite instinct screaming at me to run away as fast as I can, clutching my precious manuscript in my arms so that no one can read it.
As I’ve been slowly working on the submission process, a truck-load of imposter syndrome hits me hard each time I sit down to work on it again. Is my novel any good? Will they laugh at my ideas, and mark me as a fraud? How many rejections will I get before I want to give up completely? How could I even call myself a novelist, or anything remotely as cool as a writer. I’ve made a career out of editing other people’s manuscripts, and I feel quite good at it…but this? I make other writers’ words shine, but my own? Pathetic. How dare I try to be anything more than what I’ve carved out for myself in this life?
But then the story in me whispers behind those negative voices, growing louder with each dream to become more, finally calling out in an unmistakable wail to be heard. Someone out there needs your story, it says. Someone’s life will be touched by what you have to say, and you owe it them to try. Don’t let the fear of rejection, the fear of failing, stop you from achieving what you’ve dreamed about. You have zero chance to succeed if you don’t try, but what will your odds be if you do? Certainly better than zero!
So here I am now, finally finishing up writing that dreaded query letter, and preparing all I need to start submitting my manuscript to publishing companies. My boss at the publishing company I work for (who does not publish fiction, btw, hence my search) told me that she firmly believes there’s a perfect publisher for every book. I think every aspiring writer needs to hear that. Because hope is stronger than fear. And just like the quests I send my characters on, so must I brave the unknown and complete a quest of my own to find the publisher who believes in my story, in the message I have to share, and ultimately, believes in me as a writer. Because I have so much story left to tell, and it refuses to abide by my fears any longer. Huzzah!
Here’s to hoping my novel Starlight travels further than the documents folder on my computer. I hope to share my story with you soon.